Divorce profoundly affects children. The age of the child is an important factor to be taken into consideration. Young children might not understand why the parents are separating. They tend to have more difficulty in coping with the divorce than older children. Young children do not vent their feelings in the same way as adults do. Young children show their feelings through their behaviors. They tend to regress into an early stage of development. For example, a child might act out when they are confused about the situation. This is a very difficult time for both parents and children. Divorce is a very stressful event for the whole family. However, the children are the most vulnerable. In order for the child to go through the process without being traumatized, parents need to be informed about the impact of the divorce on their children. Below are some of the most common issues children manifest during the divorce:

►Fear of abandonment: When parents separate, usually one parent moves out of the family home. When this happens, the children may fear that the other parent will leave them as well. The fear of losing both parents is overwhelming.

►Confusion: Sometimes children are confused about the situation.

►Feeling rejected: When there is a lot of conflict in the early stages of the divorce, parents tend to focus all their energies on themselves. Not much attention is paid to the children who feel left out. The children take this as an indication that they do not count. They feel that the parents are not concerned with their wellbeing anymore.

►Loneliness: Children don’t talk about their problems with other children. They tend to withdraw. They feel very lonely. They miss the parent that left the family home.

►Self-blame: Since they don’t understand the causes of the divorce, they tend to blame themselves for the problem.

►Underachieving at school: Childrens’ school performance may suffer because of the family disruption. They worry about their uncertain future.

Help your children during divorce

►Let your children talk to you about their feelings: The best way to communicate with young children is through play. Therapists use “Play therapy” to communicate and observe the childrens’ response. During play your child will communicate to you how he/she feels about the situation. You can engage yourself in the play and respond to the child in terms that are appropriate to the child’s age.

►Do not expect your children to take sides between you and your ex-partner: Remember that your children love both of you. Don’t make the mistake of expecting your children to take your side. It is not psychologically healthy.

►Avoid talking negatively to your children about your ex-partner: Although you may feel frustrated and angry with your ex, don’t make the mistake of talking negatively about your ex in front of your children. You want your children to be psychologically healthy so never say bad things about your ex.

►Avoid telling them all the facts about the divorce: Your children are not your therapist. They don’t need to hear every detail about why you are getting divorce. Make sure you emphasize that they are not responsible for the divorce. Tell them that even though you are getting divorce, you both love them. They need to hear over and over again that you both will be there for them.

►Don’t add extra responsibility at this time: Let them enjoy their childhood. However, you still need to keep boundaries.

►If you need help contact a psychotherapist: You might feel overwhelmed by the divorce. You feel that you are under a lot of stress. A psychotherapist could help you organize your thinking of how to talk to your children about the divorce.